As a native Minnesotan, it feels strange to admit that I’m not ready to deal with the upcoming cold spell. But there are a couple of reasons why I think I have some justification for this feeling of dread:
It doesn’t usually get extremely cold in early November
Typically there are nights that get below freezing (32F) and some snow happens. But the days generally have highs in the 40s and occasionally a pop into the 50s. Next week, I’m looking at single digit lows, and highs struggling to get to 20.
PTSD from Last Winter
November and December 2018 were lovely, weather-wise. Then all hell broke loose January 2nd, and we were hit with snow, then cold, then more snow, then unbearable cold. Rinse and repeat through the end of March. That type of weather leads to “hunker down and hibernate mode”. It’s not a bad thing.
However I had a hellacious professional start to the new year. I was “in charge’ of The Project With an Impossible Deadline, working 60 hour seven day weeks and going insane with the internal politics of the situation. There was no hibernation, no hunkering. Just working my ass off during the bleakest part of the year.
I cracked. I had the worse case of depression that I had ever had. But I still got my ass out of bed and worked like mad because I had obligations. When I finally broke at the end of March, I was the lowest I had ever been and was considering if life was actually worth living. I didn’t start feeling more like myself until a couple weeks ago.
The original project got delayed, re-done, and implemented this summer with much less involvement on my part. It’s been a struggle. A struggle I don’t want to repeat again.
So, what now?
I am on an off-shoot of The Project From Hell.
The new project has some sketchy deadlines, but I’m no longer suffering the consequences. Those above me are noticing on their own some of the issues and/or amplifying mine. But other things are changing and the politics of it I wish I could drown out.
The days are getting long and dark. Now it’s getting cold. It feels like the 2.0 version of last January without much improvement. And I’m scared most of all of falling back into that deep depression. Last winter showed me that either the dependable drugs I have been taking aren’t working as well anymore, or that I need to find other ways to deal with the stress.