Rebuilding My Life

Ever since I was a grade schooler, there were certain things I always wanted to do or be:

• a writer
• a teacher
• a radio personality
• a reader

I made movies in my head about me doing all these things and having a fabulous life. A life not completely without stress or drama, but a life that felt generally warm, cozy, and happy.

I can say that I have checked off the items in my list, however the movie of my life wouldn’t be described as warm, cozy, and happy. Especially upon reaching adulthood, there were ever increasing levels of stress, pushing against boundaries and getting kicked for it, with tiny victories. It would be described as basic survival, with a small handful of glimmers of hope.

I kept moving through it all, hoping some day to find the warm, cozy, and happy life I longed for.

40+ years later, I retired. And life got a whole lot better.

It took me about two months to get over the feeling like I was supposed to be working myself to death, like I had been. An older and much wiser friend told me to slow down and stop trying to kill myself. It was harsh, but needed words. I did manage to roll things back. After the spring planting season, I was finally in a place that felt comfortable.

I’ve now gotten back to doing the things I wanted to do, without squeezing it in between all the things I was required to do. I read a book for a minimum of 30 minutes a day, frequently more. I’ve done volunteer work at my church that uses my creative skills in writing and teaching. I’d like to do a podcast or video series at some point (no topic for now, just letting the idea simmer).

My life is not without stress. My former employer tried to pull me back as a contractor, and I decided it wasn’t worth the tax on my soul. I didn’t need the money or the stress. My mental health was more important.

My husband’s memory continues to deteriorate, and my adult kids still need me from time to time. But I have those extra 50 hours a week, to deal with things, and still take care of myself. I feel like I’ve rebuilt my life, and I have the space to actually live it now. It feels very good.