On Being an Old Mom: Disadvantages and Mitigation* Strategies

In this post, I discussed how I became an Old Mom. Now I’m going to take the bull by the horns, explain some disadvantages of being an older mom, and what you can do to deal with it.

You’re Out of Touch

This one is frequently flung by teenagers in the middle of one of their hormone-induced huffs: “You just don’t understand EVERYONE who is ANYONE has .

The most effective comeback I’ve found is this simple statement: “That’s exactly what I said to your grandmother at your age.” Stops ’em dead every time. After all, who wants to sound like their mother?

You Could Die Tomorrow
Yes, you could die tomorrow and leave your children without parents. And so could that 25 year old parent working hard to make ends meet or that mid-30’s professional with kids. We are all moral. If you have kids, you do the responsible thing, and try to provide for a future without you as best as you can: insurance, will, guardians named.Some of us are more mortal than others, some have mortality thrust upon them when they weren’t looking. Be prepared.

You’re No Spring Chicken
This goes along with You’ll Die Tomorrow, except it assumes you’re going to live.

A Trader Joe’s sticker on my bike helmet states I’m a Spring Chicken. Not so much, Trader Joe’s! Especially when I have those helpful checkout people at Target that ask my children, “Are you having fun shopping with Grandma?”

I’ve found the best approach is to let your kids answer. “That’s not Grandma, that’s my MOM!” is a great line to get those checkouts squirming, while you smile sweetly.

You could also spend money on hair color, facial cremes, and such. But it’s one of the great pleasures of older parenthood – knowing when your kids can do the dirty work for you. Let your grey hairs fly proudly.

So there are some strategies you can use to mitigate the older parent rap. In my next (and final) essay in this series, I’ll discuss the advantages. Trust me, the advantages rock!

Until next time.
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* My teammate Jonathan loves the word mitigate especially when combined to make the phrase mitigation strategies. This title is dedicated to him. For the rest of you, mitigation strategies is a fancy term for how to suck it up and deal.

The Things You Discover While Cleaning Out the Hard Drive

When you start hunting through your archives, you run into the strange things you saved in 1998. I think this is my riff on another Beatles parody of”I’m a Loser” – http://refinish69.tripod.com/mywwjourney/id33.html

I’m a loser
I’m a loser
And I’m not at all what I use to be
Of all the weight I have gained or have lost
there is one line I should never have crossed
I’m a girl in a million, my friend
I know I will win in the end

I’m a loser
And I lost somewhat a part of me
I’m a loser
And I’m not at all what I use to be

Although I worry and I act like I’m gonna drown
Because of all the water I’m trying to down
My pee is falling like rain from the sky
Is it 48 ounces yet? I cry

I’m a loser
And I’ve lost some more of me
I’m a loser
And I’m not at all what I use to be

What I’m doing I know is really great
I realize I haven’t left it too late
And so it’s true, pride comes before a fall
I’m telling you so that you can lose it all

I’m a loser
And I lost a big chunk of me
I’m a loser
And I’m not at all was I use to be

Pretty brilliant, eh? You can stop laughing now. Really. Yes, now.

I was googling the words above to make sure it wasn’t someone else’s work (which I’m still not sure about). I ran across this article on The Huffington Post.

I stopped. I read it. I’m in shock. I’m mad, too. I went to those weight loss places, tried living on 1000 calories or less (not 1200) and lost some weight, but dumped it back on.

I’m still really overweight – 100 lbs more than I’d like to be, which is about 40 lbs heavier than my former doctor wanted me to be. I’m feeling bad because I can’t eat less than 1000 calories any more and keep up the energy I need to run a house, work two intense jobs that I love, and be a good mom to my pre-teen and teenage kids.

Now I see these weight loss programs were lies, and designed to make me feel something I have too much of anyway – guilt and failure. I became a mistake, an error, because I ate something off the diet. Let the depressive, food-gorging spiral begin.

That was the programs’ goal – dependency. Well, thank you very much Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, and all the books on losing weight. Thanks for absolutely nothing.

I’ve had other weight loss advisors telling me to just forget about the scale, exercise and eat sensibly. These newer advisors had to be wrong, my inner critic was telling me. I’ve resisted these wiser, smarter people, because the only weight loss “success” (rapid weight loss) I’ve had came by starving myself.

I feel like I’m fighting the wind, and epically failing. Trust …